The Mushroom: Middle Earth's Finest News Source
by Marauder
Summary: The Middle-earth version of The Onion...somewhat OOC, PWP, slashy. Complete. My personl favorite headline: Completely Unrelated Hobbits Wed
1. Aragorn Dumps Arwen!

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The Mushroom

Middle-earth's Finest News SourceSince 1379 Second Age

Aragorn Dumps Arwen!

"Mary Sue is so much sexier," says King of Gondor

In a move that no one expected, Aragorn son of Arathorn (otherwise known as Strider, Estel, Elessar, Isildur's Heir, Wingfoot, the Dunedain, and That Really Gorgeous Man Played by Viggo Mortensen) announced at a press conference on Wednesday that he has filed from divorce from his wife Arwen (also known as Undomiel, Evenstar, and That Elf Girl Played by Liv Tyler). "I've found a new love," the King of Gondor told reporters. "Her name is Mary Sue, and she fills me with a passion I've never felt before."

Mary Sue, our sources have revealed, is a teenage fanfiction writer who spends her time writing egotistical stories in which she saves Middle-earth and every single person in the Fellowship of the Ring falls madly in love with her. "So what if I'm old enough to be her father?" said Aragorn when our reporters mentioned the age difference. "Arwen is old enough to be my great-great-great-great- great- great- great-great-great –great- great- great- great-great grandmother, and no one finds _that_ weird."

"That damn kid," said Elrond Halfelven, Arwen's father, when asked to comment. "I take him in when his father dies, I raise him as my own son, I even let my daughter marry him and give up her immortality. And what does he do? He leaves her for some teenage tart who can't even write decent fanfiction."

The reactions of the people of Gondor remain mixed. "_She's_ going to be our new queen?!" remarked one woman who wished to remain anonymous. "I read some of her stories. They suck. Really bad. A black hole is the only thing in the universe that could possibly suck more."

However, Legolas Greenleaf, Aragorn's friend and companion in the Fellowship of the Ring, is optimistic. "I'm just glad he's happy," said Legolas, tearing himself away from the mirror long enough to say a few words to our reporters. "Besides, Mary Sue is hot. Almost as hot as me. Hey, I have a question. Now be honest. Do my roots need a touch-up?" 

STATshot

A look at the numbers that shape your world.

Are Frodo and Sam Gay?

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12% No…Sam's got 13 kids, for God's sake!

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8% Yes…poor Rosie.

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17% Yes…and what's with all this "Master" stuff anyway?

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24% I've never heard of two males who kissed, hugged, held each other's hands, talked about how much they loved each other, slept next to each other, and were _straight_.

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14% Can't two people of the same gender be affectionate without everyone thinking

they're gay?

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2% Let's hold a séance to contact Tolkien and find out.

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15% Those Bagginses were always strange anyway.

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3% Yes…and I hate Rosie.

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5% That's what happens when hardworking hobbits interfere in the business of their betters and learn to read!

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Peter Jackson Returned to Family

Tom Bombadil Agrees to Release Director After Week-Long Hostage Situation

After a long and terrible week of listening to non-stop renditions of "Hey dol! Merry dol! Ring a dong dillo!", Peter Jackson was finally released to the loving arms of Fran Walsh, his partner of many years, and their children, Kate and Billy. Tom Bombadil, the perpetrator of this horrible crime, has turned himself in to the authorities and is awaiting trial.

"It was worse than hell," said Jackson hours after his release, when he was finally able to stop sobbing. "He was angry that I didn't put him in the movie, and kidnapped me as revenge. I kept _telling_ him, 'Tom, I'm really sorry, but the thing was really long already, and there just wasn't time for you,' but he wouldn't listen. And he kept going with that godawful poety, a deranged grin on his face the entire time."

Bombadil, a schizophrenic former shoe salesman living under the delusion that he is Eldest, living in Middle-earth since before the river and the trees, is expected to use an insanity plea in court. "I wish I'd gotten help for him sooner," says Tiffany Bombadil, his mother. "I should have known something was wrong when he started wearing those yellow boots. Really, where can you even _find_ yellow boots?"

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Goldberry, Bombadil's wife and daughter of Old Man Willow, refused to comment.

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NEWS

Mysterious Pipe-weed Leads to Hallucinations and Munchies

See LOCAL page 2B

Perfectly Rhyming Funeral Song Spontaneously Composed in Iambic Pentamter

See NATION page 4D

Existence of Dwarf Women Proven

See LIFESTYLES page 1E


	2. Completely Unrelated Hobbits Wed

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The Mushroom

Middle-earth's Finest News SourceSince 1379 Second Age

Completely Unrelated Hobbits Wed

"It's the queerest thing we've ever heard of," say neighbors.

To outsiders, Yarrow Goldworthy, born Proudfoot, and her husband Wondo appear to be perfectly ordinary and respectable hobbits. They live in Michel Delving, only a quarter of a mile away from the house Wondo grew up in. Wondo works with his father and five brothers on the family barley farm, while Yarrow stays home and tends to the house. The couple is expecting their first child in May. However, until recently, they harbored a deep dark secret.

Wondo and Yarrow are completely unrelated.

"I've never heard of anything so abnormal," says Emerald Chubb, Yarrow's ninth cousin twice removed on the Took side. "When Wondo and Yarrow announced their engagement, we all just naturally assumed that they shared an ancestor or two. But last week my grandmother Carnation Hornblower was looking over our family tree and realized that they aren't related. Not whatsoever."

Since the appalling discovery was made public, Yarrow and Wondo have been ostracized by the community. When Yarrow went shopping for new dishes, the shopkeeper refused to sell them to her, saying that it was bad for buisness to "sell to your kind, if you follow me." Only last night, Wondo discovered graffiti on their garden shed, reading "Leave the Shire you freaks".

Although both Wondo and Yarrow refused to comment for this article, their families and neighbors fear the birth of their child. "I don't want my little ones coming in contact with something conceived in an unnatural union, thank you very much," says Torodoc Brandybuck-Bolger, Wondo's fifth cousin four times removed on his mother's side. "It's bound to be a bad influence," added his wife Bluebell, the Old Took's great-great grandniece.

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Ask Bill The Pony

Dear Bill the Pony,

This may sound unbelievable to you, but I am an ugly elf. My hair is the color of dirty dishwater and I reach the pathetic height of five feet and nine inches. Even though I am 1,921 years old, I have never been on a single date. My four sisters have all had multiple Quenya odes written about them, but when my father desperately asked the loremaster to write one for me, he just laughed. What should I do? I have tried many spells to make myself look more attractive but none of them have worked.

A Repulsive Elf in Lothlorien

Dear Elf,

I am sorry you consider yourself so unattractive, my dear. It seems to me that your charms might be accentuated if you had a bit more self-confidence. Instead of saying your hair is the color of dirty dishwater, perhaps you could describe is as "a deep burnished golden color". And five feet nine inches is not such a horrid height. I myself am only four feet and seven inches, and I have many admirers among the female ponies of the Shire. (Well, I must admit, part of this is due to Sam Gamgee and his regular grooming of my coat.) Besides this, I have two suggestions for you. The first is to forget the loremaster and write your own Quenya ode. I heard a rumor that Luthien Tinuviel did this, and we all know how famous her story is. The second is to change your location. Such close proximity to the Lady will certainly lead to comparisons, a problem you could avoid by moving to an area where there are not as many elves. 

Dear Bill,

I am a former servant of the Dark Lord who is widely believed to be dead, due to an unfortunate encounter with some hobbit arrows. Since this event, I have appeared to my friends (both of them) and family, trying to convince them that I am, in fact, alive. However, when I do this, they scream "A ghost! A ghost!" and run away. Please advise me.

Forked Tongue in Mordor

Dear Forked Tongue,

Well, _Grima_, it's not that hard to understand. If I saw a wizened and chalk-white creature who looked like a bad combination of Marilyn Manson, Michael Jackson, and Severus Snape standing in front of me, I too would believe it to be a spectre. Either that or a drug-induced nightmare. You might try washing your hair and growing back your eyebrows. I know that look is fashionable among orcs, but it is really not becoming to a human.

Dear Mr. Pony,

Ever since my daughter reached the "terrible twos", she's been driving me mad. Just today she ripped my husband's best jerkin, spilled the ale I was saving for company, and threw my dwarvish necklace down the privy. I never had this problem with her older sister, who was the sweetest and most wonderful child to walk the face of Middle-earth. Please help me!

Frustrated in Gondor

Dear Frustrated,

Just don't try to set yourself on fire. Or her either.

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NEWS

Gandalf the White Becomes Gandalf the Cerise

See NATION page 3B

Ent Hasty

See CRIME page 1D

Sauron Becomes Visine Spokeseye

See SOCIETY page 9E


	3. Finger Goes to Hall of Heroically Lost B...

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The Mushroom

Middle-earth's Finest News Source Since 1379 Second Age

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Finger Goes to Hall of Heroically Lost Body Parts

After being saved by Gollum, Frodo's finger gets a place of honor

The staff of the Hall of Heroically Lost Body Parts received a letter yesterday from the creature Gollum, offering them the donation of Frodo Baggins's middle finger. "We are sorry we has bit it off," the letter read, "but we were both scared for Precious and very hungry." Enclosed was the severed finger. The Ring, luckily, was left in the fires of Mount Doom.

"I didn't know Smeagol was still alive, actually," said Frodo when the museum contacted him to ask for his approval. "But go ahead, take the finger. It won't do me much good to keep it."

According to Gollum, he managed to grab hold of a ledge after falling inside the moutain, and grabbed the finger before it hit the flames. Unfortunately for the creature but fortunately for the rest of the world, the Ring slipped off of the finger and could not be saved.

Frodo's finger will be in a display case along with Luke Skywalker's hand and Harry Potter's removed bones starting Saturday.

As for Gollum, he was recently tried in court and found guilty of both the murder of Deagol the Stoor and second-degree conspiracy. However, the judge took mercy upon him when his two selves started to argue, and decided not to have him imprisoned. Instead, Gollum was released to the custody of Sam Gamgee and family.

"My wife Rosie's put him to work winding yarn balls and the kids are feeding him taters," said Sam. "They see him as a sort of pet, like."

When asked to comment on this, Gollum merely scowled and spit out the potato skin in his mouth, muttering, "Stupid fat hobbit."

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STATshot

A look at the numbers that shape your world

Now That Sauron is Defeated, Who Will Be the New Bad Guy?

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19% Pippin…fool of a Took.

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7% Aragorn…what an idiot, leaving his wife for a dumb fanfiction writer.

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11% Gimli…he didn't get much respect even _before_ Peter Jackson turned him into comic relief.

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23% The Nazgul…that is, provided they can ever say anything other than "Shire…Baggins…"

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4% That guy at Bilbo's party who yells, "ProudFEET!"…doesn't he know to be quiet when someone is making a speech?

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18% Goldberry…I don't know, but it _could_ happen!

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6% Arwen…now that she's been spurned, maybe she'll flip out and go on the warpath.

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12% The ghost of the rabbit Sam cooked…poor thing, it was killed by Gollum!

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NEWS

Smaug Provides Environmental Problem

See OUTDOORS page 5A

Ancient Runes Found To Be Scribblings of Mapmaker's Three-Year-Old

See SOCIETY page 3F

Orcs Found to be Good Fashion Designers

See ENTERTAINMENT page 1H


	4. Mary Sue Dumps Aragorn!

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The Mushroom

Middle-earth's Finest News Source Since 1379 Second Age

Mary Sue Dumps Aragorn!

"Legolas is so much sexier," says pitiful fanfiction writer

In a move that many expected (and hoped for), Mary Sue dumped Aragorn son of Arathorn, who is now reunited with his once-estranged wife Arwen Undomiel. "I don't know what the hell I was thinking," said the King, who stopped nuzzling Arwen's neck just long enough to talk to our reporters. "I mean, her stories were really bad. I think she was disappointed that our relationship – what there was of it – was nothing like in her fanfics. I'm just glad I didn't – er – consummate our short-lived romance."

"He wanted to wait until the divorce was finalized, thankfully," said Arwen. "I thank the Lady that he's come to his senses."

"I've found someone who can truly satisfy me," says Mary Sue, speaking to the press for the first time since the scandal began. "And, even better, we can share hair dye."

Legolas Greenleaf confirmed the rumors that he is Mary Sue's new love interest. "I always thought she was attractive," he says.

"You want her? She's yours. Good riddance," says Aragorn.

Although Arwen welcomed her husband back with open arms, her father Elrond was not so eager to forgive. "I've made Aragorn write a poem about how badly he screwed up," he said at a press conference yesterday. "It will be engraved on walls, painted on murals, and memorized by schoolchildren until the end of time." Elrond granted The Mushroom permission to give an exclusive preview of the lay.

My name is Strider and I'm a prat.

I beg to cross the welcome mat

Of the Last Homely House, from which I left

To live with a strumpet who is bereft

Of any talent, brains or wit.

She is a stupid little twit.

Her fanfics make me want to retch

So away I go, hoping to fetch

Sweet Evenstar to our palace fair.

So I can do the laundry there

And make her many breakfasts in bed

And clean until my hands turn red.

Anything to make her see

How truly sorry I've come to be.

I thought I was a valiant man;

Through many orcs, my sword ran.

And Arwen foreswore her immortality

So she could always stay with me.

This I forgot, in a moment of lust.

I beg and beg to regain her trust.

(Oh, and a note to Legolas:

Mary Sue likes to be boss.

She'll whine if you're late coming home.

So heed my warning in this poem.)

"I'm a warrior king, not a poet, okay?" Aragorn said.

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What Do You Think?

Peter Jackson

Since the release of the Lord of the Rings movies, there has been criticism (amid widespread acclaim) from those who think Peter Jackson strayed too far away from the books. So, what do _you_ think?

"Are my eyes really that big? And I don't bite my nails either. Still, good job, Peter."

Frodo Baggins 

"Both Tolkien and Jackson completely left out the fact that Boromir and I had a one-night stand in 1310."

Lobelia Sackville-Baggins 

"I was _not _that much of a jerk, thank you very much."

Faramir son of Denethor 

"I have a poster of Billy Boyd in my bedroom."

Eowyn of the Mark 

"If that fool does not put me in the third film I will crunch his bones."

Shelob ****

NEWS

Ghan-buri Ghan Accepts Position as Professor of Linguistics

See NATION page 2C

Strange Object Found in Bywater; Believed to be a "Shoe"

See LOCAL page 1A

Galadriel Commits Error

See NATION page 4C


	5. Secrets of Shelob Revealed!

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The Mushroom

Middle-earth's Finest News Source Since 1379 Second Age

Secrets of Shelob Revealed!

Colossal spider sends hopeful letter to Mushroom editors.

"I always knew I was different from the other mammoth spiders at a very young age," said the beast known as Shelob, in a letter received by the editors of The Mushroom yesterday. "I always felt that, deep inside of me, there was a hidden female arachnid longing to get out. Yes, editors of The Mushroom: I was born as Helob."

According to the gigantic spider, she underwent a sex-change operation shortly after her one hundredth and ninety-fifth birthday. "It was like being reborn," she wrote. "But I still had a lot of unresolved issues and anger management problems, which led to my brutal massacres of elves, men, orcs, and hobbits. It was only recently that I went to therapy and attained some closure. I write this not so you will pity me or even sympathize. I write this so that you will share my story, which I hope will inspire some other poor, suffering, conflicted, enormous transgendered spider to seek help before it's too late."

Shelob, believed until recently to be dead of a hobbit-inflicted elf-blade wound, wrote that she sought the help of a holistic healing guru while recuperating from the injury. "He helped me see that my rage towards others was really a latent loathing of myself," she says. "But now I have accepted myself and come to grips with the world. I am Shelob and I am proud."

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Gandalf's E.B.I. File Exposed

New book makes previously unseen documents public

Deep in the underground tunnels of Lothlorien, there lies a hidden room. To enter, one must knock ten times and recite Elrond's childhood nickname in Sindarin. (If you snicker, access will be denied.) After passing several guards, you will be allowed into the hidden headquarters of the E.B.I.: Elvish Bureau of Investigation.

Nienna Elensar came to work at the E.B.I. three hundred years ago, equipped with little training but with an immense devotion to helping and protecting her fellow elves. "I'd seen many of my friends die in battle, and I wanted to make sure that other elves would not suffer the same fate," she says. "I thought that, working in one of Middle-earth's best investigation bureaus, I could achieve my goal."

But, as she learned more and more about the inner workings of the bureau, Nienna started to become uneasy. "There are rows and rows of underground passages, and each one is packed with file cabinets," she says. "And all this information is being kept secret from the public. I myself haven't seen most of the files. How can we protect the public by not informing them of potential dangers?"

Late one night, when everyone else had gone home, Nienna took a phial of light and crept inside the dark passages. She managed to take a few files and brought them home with her. The next day, she sent in her resignation.

"There's things in there you wouldn't believe," she says, shuddering at the thought of it all. "I plan to expose all that is in those files for the good and safekeeping of Elven-kind…and the rest of Middle-earth too, for that matter. And I'm starting with Gandalf."

According to Nienna's new book, _Mithrandir, Stormcrow, Gandalf…Menace?, _the wizard commonly known as Gandalf has a secret history. "The file disclosed that Gandalf has received twenty-two speeding tickets since receiving his Horse of the White Rider license…which, may I add, he failed the first time because he couldn't parallel-park. This is the sort of vital knowledge that the public needs to know in order to be safe. We're all just lucky that he hasn't trampled anyone yet."

The book also announces that Gandalf was banned from Gondor for a year as a young wizard for spray-painting "Stewards Stink" on a standard just before it was to be used in battle. It is believed that this offense was preceded by the consumption of no less than eight pints in a local inn.

"And then there's those poor trolls he turned to stone," says Nienna. "I'm not saying that I'm a supporter of trolls, but the trolls should have been brought to court for attempted cannibalism. Gandalf has a long history of taking the law into his own hands. Another example: He does not have a permit to make fireworks. I just hope that this book will spread the truth and protect the innocent people of Middle-earth from such a threat."

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NEWS

Male Cuts Hair to Above Chin

See CRIME page 3A

Blade That Was Broken Now Reattached With Chewing Gum

See NATION page 2D

Entwives Demand More Feminist Title

See SOCIETY page 1B


	6. Letters to the Editors

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The Mushroom

Middle-earth's Finest News Source Since 1379 Second Age

Letters to the Editors

Dear Mushroom Editors,

Although I appreciated your extensive coverage of the Mary Sue issue, I was most displeased by you last article that made reference to my childhood nickname. To begin with, the E.B.I. password had to be changed after your article ran, and it was great inconvenience. Secondly, the previous password was my youthful sobriquet in Quenya, not Sindarin. Thirdly, there is nothing funny about the name _Ecel puce-kens_. It is a fine Elvish title meaning, "young one of much valor who shall do great things". It is not my fault that it sounds much like the nauseating Common Tongue term of endearment "Ickle Pookie-Kins".

Sincerely, Elrond Halfeleven

Dear Editors,

I was very much amused by your piece on Nienna Elensar's muckraking book on my life. I only hope that she added "corrupter of halflings", "bringer of bad news", "chewer of hangnails," and "cheater at charades" to my list of faults.

Sincerely, Gandalf the Cerise

Dear Editors of Nice Paper,

We are not sure that we should be writing a letter to you.

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They don't care about what you have to say. Put down the quill and wind Mistress's yarn.

But we will try and write anyway. We liked nice article about Master's finger and our trial. Many hobbitses sends us fish.

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Skinny fish. Too many bones. Nasty Shire fish.

Good fish! Very juicy-sweet, especially after bad taters.

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Yes, we hates taters.

Thank you again. We likes your paper very much.

Smeagol _(and Gollum)_

Dear Mushroom Editors:

Although I am usually a fan of your paper and appreciated your use of my quote in the opinion section concerning Peter Jackson, I must say that I found Bill the Pony's reply to "Frustrated in Gondor" a bit tasteless. I am sure that Mr. Pony found it quite witty, but it is somewhat less amusing to someone that was nearly incinerated. I am willing to forget the matter if a prompt letter of apology is sent.

Faramir, Prince of Ithilien

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Your Highness:

The letter was mailed this morning. We regret having offended you. 

Sincerely, The Editors

Dear Editors:

I enjoy Bill the Pony's column, but I was wondering…how is Bill able to talk? Did he ever employ the skill during his time with the Fellowship?

Beregond of Gondor

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Dear Beregond,

Well, I seem to be getting a lot of mail from Gondor lately! To answer you first question, I have some Narnian ancestry on my paternal grandmother's side. I did try a few times to communicate with the Fellowship, but they were too busy (combing their hair…cough cough LEGOLAS cough) to notice.

Thanks for the letter, Bill

Dear Mushroom,

I think that your are too mean to poor Mary Sue. The unfortunate thing has suffered greatly. And I LIKE her stories.

Mary Ashley

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Mary Ashley:

We could write some scathing reply to your letter, but we're sure it would go right over your empty head. The Editors

Dear Editors:

I wasn't fond of your poll that suggested that my husband fancies lads in general and Mr. Frodo in particular. The neighbors are all laughing behind my back and I have to keep the paper from my children. To make matters worse, Stinker keeps cackling at me about it.

Rosie Cotton Gamgee

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Mrs. Gamgee: 

Perhaps you and Yarrow Goldworthy could start a club for harassed hobbit wives. We cannot be held responsible for the opinion of the public.

Sincerely, The Editors

P.S. "He ran to Frodo and took his left hand, awkwardly and shyly. He stroked it gently and then he blushed and turned hastily away."

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NEWS

Saruman's Nose Continues to Grow Posthumously

See SOCIETY page 2C

Sharp Rise in Sales of Fat-Free Lembas

See BUSINESS page 6F

Ioreth Takes Up Elective Mutism

See NATION page 1B


	7. NursingHome Attendants Plagued by Defeat...

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The Mushroom

Middle-earth's Finest News Source Since 1379 Second Age

Nursing-Home Attendants Plagued by Defeated Dark Lord

Three quit over Flaming Eyeball

When Sauron, former Dark Lord and past and present Flaming Eyeball, was defeated by the destruction of the One Ring, it was almost a relief. "Let's face it. I'd been a Dark Lord since the First Age, and my time was coming to a close," he told our reporters. "And good help is hard to find these days. I mean, look at Saruman and Wormtongue. They just don't make miserable and ugly Servants of Dark Lords like they used to. I tell Saruman to build me an army worthy of Mordor, and what does he do? He makes those stupid Uruk-Hai. Come on, half men and half orcs? Pathetic. And the memo I sent him specifically stated that they should be half telemarketers and half circus clowns. If he'd listened to me, we would've won for sure."

Therefore, upon his vanquishing, Sauron decided to sell his assets and move into the Shady Acres Nursing Home. "The arthritic retinas were just too hard to deal with," he says, rolling his pupil. In the months following his arrival, it looked like Sauron had given up his evil ways and was ready to settle into the life of a cranky old eye.

But after the initial good start, the Shady Acres staff reports that Sauron is once again a menace. "He spread butter on the seats of the bedpans," one nurse bawled, shortly before her resignation and mental collapse. "And he's encouraged the other patients to have wheelchair races in the hallways. It's just too much to deal with."

"He won't take his medications and refuses to wear the regulation robe and slippers. In fact, he usually wears a jeweled monocle," another said.

"This is highly unorthodox behavior for a defeated Dark Lord," says Caran Hist, the psychiatrist we consulted for this article. "Usually, overthrown Dark Lords have some sort of repentance after their downfall, or else they just die. Sauron is clearly an exception."

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STATshot

A look at the numbers that shape your world

Will Pippin ever get top billing over Merry?

14% Maybe now that he's the Thain.

18% No. Never. It's a lost cause. Let us have a moment of silence.

3% Why should he? Those Tooks are even odder than the Bagginses.

27% He should! At least the Tooks don't go around in _boats_ like those queer Bucklanders.

12% It could just be because Tolkien decided to be alphabetical.

26% It comes in pints?!

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NEWS

All Gold Mined From Middle-earth; Dwarves Start on Aluminum

See NATION page 6A

Hamfast Gamgee Sues Makers of Gaff Tape For Copyright Violation

See LOCAL page 2E

Gandalf the Cerise Becomes Gandalf the Aquamarine


	8. Legolas Dumps Mary Sue!

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The Mushroom

Middle-earth's Finest News Source Since 1379 Second Age

Legolas Dumps Mary Sue!

"What a weirdo," says Elf archer

In a move that all of Middle-earth hoped for (except maybe the citizens of Mordor), Legolas Greenleaf dumped Mary Sue, throwing her clothes out of their window, removing her stories from all fanfiction sites, and annihilating her computer. "Holy shit, I must have been out of my mind," says Legolas. "She's narcissistic and has this annoying habit of summarizing all her stories with, 'A girl from this world falls into Middle-earth…' et cetera. Aragorn was right. She _is_ a stupid little twit."

"Well, that's just fine. I don't need him," says a defiant Mary Sue, whom we spoke to as she was picking up her hot-pink wardrobe from where it had landed. 

Legolas is not entirely sure how he was beguiled by the presumptuous pseudo-writer's obnoxious personage, but he does have a theory. While traveling through the woods with his friend Gimli son of Gloin, he looked up to see Mary Sue running towards him with lust in her eye. "I figured death would be better than having to put up with that psychopath and her unwanted affections, so I pulled an arrow from my supply and stabbed myself through the heart with it." He pauses, disturbed by the memory. "Remind me never to buy arrows from a mostly naked winged baby again."

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Ask Bill the Pony

Dear Mr. The Pony:

I am a young and comely dwarf woman who wants to get married and raise a family. However, none of the available dwarf men I know (and there are many) ever notice me. They spend all day in the mines and I hardly ever see them. The only time they notice me is when they are hungry, seeing as I work in a small restaurant where many of them go on their lunch breaks. What should I do?

A Lonely Dwarf Woman Under the Mountain

Dear Dwarf Woman,

I am sorry that you have met with such limited success. Dwarf men are not typically marriage-minded, and most tend to be a little dense when it comes to the opposite sex. In fact, they might not even realize that you are female. My advice to you is to find a nice hobbit lad to marry. A hobbit would be ideal for you because one would work closer to home then a dwarf, do some of his own cooking, and also live underground, as you are accustomed to. Oh, and if you are a tad on the hirsute side (don't be embarrassed, dear, it's nothing to be ashamed of), then I suggest you remedy that problem immediately. Best wishes.

Dear Bill,

HELP! All of my family lives in the same smial, from my parents to my most distant relatives, and I never get any privacy. I share a room with my older brother and second cousin once removed, so I don't have any place that's truly mine. And because we're all so close together, I know everyone's business, whether I want to or not. I'm at the beginning of my tweens, so I can't leave home yet. PLEASE answer this letter.

About To Go Mad in the Shire

Dear About,

I suggest that you really _do_ go mad, as this will certainly cause not only your family but also everyone else to leave you alone. The best way to do this would be to leave home and have adventures with a wizard and at least one dwarf involved, but if this is impossible, maybe you could just learn to swim, become very concerned with the color of your lungs, or decide to start fasting.

Dear Bill the Pony,

I am a teacher in Gondor and the children in my class all memorized the King Elessar's poem. At first I was glad that they all learned it so quickly, but now the students have turned it against me. Their argument is, "If the King of Gondor and Arnor, who fought most nobly in the War of the Ring, can write stinkingly awful poetry with uneven meter, cliched rhymes, and no quatrains, then why can't we?" I really don't know what to say to them.

A Teacher in Gondor

Dear Teacher,

I'm very disappointed in your lack of backbone. If your students are permitted to use the excuse, "well, the King did it", then there will be nothing to stop them from marrying elves, adopting ridiculous aliases like "Strider" (maybe I should be "Trotter"), and painting their toenails sparkly green. I suggest you tell them that if they take on the responsibility of running two countries and still finding time for satisfying their wife's enormous sex drive, then they can write whatever their little hearts please.

****

NEWS

Shagrat Denies Rumors That His Name Implies Beastiality

See NATION page 1A

Parodyists: Will They Ever Realize That "Gandalf the Gay" Is Cliched?

See ENTERTAINMENT page 4C

Mirror of Galadriel Attends Conference with Mirror of Erised and Mirror, Mirror On The Wall

See NATION page 5A


	9. Bombadil Trial Begins

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The Mushroom

Middle-earth's Finest News Source Since 1379 Second Age

Bombadil Trial Begins

The trial of Tom Bombadil began early this morning, amid great speculation. Bombadil, who stands accused of kidnapping and torturing Peter Jackson with incessant bad poetry, has decided not to use the insanity plea, contradicting previous rumors.

The defendant is being represented by his wife Goldberry, who, it turns out, obtained a law degree while taking some time off from being a pastoral woodland demi-goddess figure. Jackson has chosen to represent himself. The presiding judge is Gandalf the Aquamarine (previously known as Gandalf the Cerise, Gandalf the White, and Gandalf the Grey). Our reporters were only able to stay for the first few minutes of the trial before they had to return to the office so that this issue could go to press. However, they did return with the following transcript.

Tom Bombadil: Hey dol! Merry dol! Ring a dong dillo!

Meriadoc Brandybuck: Did someone just say my name?

Peregrin Took: It's not all about you, _Merry_.

Meriadoc: I didn't say it was, _Pippin_.

Peregrin: Then why is your name always before mine, _Merry_?

Meriadoc: I don't know, _Pippin_.

Elrond Halfeleven: Will both of you be quiet! Names are really not that important.

Peregrin: Then why did you name a council after yourself, _Elrond_?

Elrond: Well, what else should I have called it, _Pippin_?

Meriadoc: Perhaps the Council of the Ring, _Elrond_.

Peregrin: The question was rhetorical, _Merry_.

Meriadoc: I honestly don't care, _Pippin_.

Peter Jackson enters the courtroom.

Legolas Greenleaf: Hey Peter, can you get me Liv Tyler's phone number?

Jackson: Sure.

Legolas: Thanks, man. What a babe.

Gandalf the Aquamarine: (bangs gavel) Court is now in session. Anyone who disrupts the trial will be thrown out.

Lobelia Sackville-Baggins: That means you, Merry and Pippin.

Gandalf: Lobelia! What did I just say?!

Peregrin and Meriadoc: Hee hee hee!

Lobelia: Shut up, you over-tall halfwits.

Gandalf: Lobelia! Do you want to go on trial for stealing Bilbo's silver spoons?

Lobelia: No.

Gandalf: Then be quiet.

Meriadoc: Hey Lobelia, I thought you were dead.

Lobelia: No, I only faked my death to escape from imbeciles such as yourself, _Merry_.

Peregrin: Love you too, _Lobelia_.

Meriadoc: She wasn't talking to you, _Pippin_.

Gandalf: The defense will call their first witness.

****

What Do You Think?

Females

Some critics of Lord of the Rings argue that it lacks an even ratio of male and female characters and is therefore unrealistic. So, what do _you_ think?

"If the Fellowship had had some women, maybe Aragorn would have been inclined to wash his hair on occasion."

Gimli son of Gloin

"Women stay home. Cook for Wild Men."

Ghan-buri Ghan

"If they had let me fight some more I _so_ could have kicked Mordor's ass."

Eowyn of the Mark

"I would have preferred to stay out of the quest altogether. Every morning my hairbrush is mysteriously emptied, and Celeborn has spotted a suspicious-looking little hairy creature climbing down from my window. Hmm, wonder who _that_ could be."

Galadriel, Lady of Lothlorien

"See, that's why I write fanfiction. My sunny disposition, cute looks, and secret powers could have really helped the Fellowship."

Mary Sue

"After two more hormone shots and an operation I'll be a woman."

Ted Sandyman

****

NEWS

Treebeard Pruned

See CRIME page 8E

Goats Sacrificed At Altar of Orlando Bloom

See SOCIETY page 1B

Sun Shines In Mordor

See NATION page 2C


	10. Eowyn and Faramir Have Son, Name Him Bob

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The Mushroom

Middle-earth's Finest News Source Sine 1379 Second Age

****

Eowyn and Faramir Have Son, Name Him Bob

Eomer, King of Rohan, received the joyous news late last night that his sister Eowyn and her husband Faramir had given birth to their first child. At seven pounds three ounces, the little boy is quite healthy, and it was an easy delivery. However, Eomer had one problem: "You named him BOB?!"

"What the hell?" Eomer told our reporters. "This kid's parents are the Prince of Ithilien and the sister of the King of Rohan! He has history! Heritage! He should have been named Eoden, or maybe Theomir. But Bob? Bob is the name of someone's old grandpa who wears plaid pants. They're dooming him to a life of baseball games and the PTA."

"At least it's easy, phonetic, and doesn't have any of those little accents," said Eowyn when asked about the name. "I can't even count the number of times someone's pronounced my name 'Ee-o-whine'. It's really annoying." 

****

Point-Counterpoint: Samwise Gamgee's Sexual Orientation

Will Everyone Stop Saying That My Husband Is A Homosexual?

By Rosie Cotton Gamgee

Now, I'll admit that Mr. Frodo is a bit odd. And, to tell you the truth, it really wouldn't surprise me if he turned out to be one of those types who fancies lads. But that's not my business, if you follow me. What I'm concerned about is people claiming that him and my Sam are lovers.

And I'm here to tell you that they're not. They're just very dear friends, and Sam misses Mr. Frodo very much. He goes to visit him whenever he can. I never knew the Grey Havens had such a high insect population! He comes home from every visit with large red spots on his neck. Maybe they're attracted to that cologne he wears.

In between visits, Sam gets quite lonely for him. In fact, sometimes he calls out his name in his sleep. Speaking of sleep, I have to remember to ask Sam about that odd sticky white stuff that I keep finding on the sheets. It's usually after he calls out for Mr. Frodo, too. Poor thing, he's probably so lonely that he comforts himself by eating cream pastries in bed. 

****

I'm Sorry, Rosie, But Your Husband Is As Flaming As The Pyre of Denethor

By Bilbo Baggins

Rosie, I really hate to break it to you, but your husband is gay. How do I know, you ask? Because, when I'm trying to sit here in the Grey Havens and write my book, I keep being disrupted by the sounds of my nephew and your husband going at it in the next room.

It really is quite annoying. Just when I've been newly inspired for another poem, I get interrupted with, "Sam…yes…don't stop…yes!" And it isn't just once a day either. They have sex, wait until it's physically possible to have another go, and then start having sex again. Horny as the Stewards of Gondor.

It isn't that I don't want Frodo to be happy, I just wish they'd be more quiet. I asked Gandalf to put a Silencing Charm on their room, but he regretfully told me that that sort of thing only worked in Harry Potter slashfics, blast it. I don't really blame Frodo, though. He spent fifty years as a virgin, so he's making up for lost time.

They're really pleasant company in between their little trysts, so it's hard to stay mad at them. They've been a wonderful help with the Red Book. Oh, Rosie, you might want to look at that. In case you haven't noticed, Sam's poem "The Stone Troll" contains the word "boner". 

You truly are a sweet lass, Rosie (if a bit thick), and I wish that Sam would leave you so both you and Frodo could be happier. But he doesn't want to until the last child is thirty-three. I don't approve, but then again it's really not my business. So I'll just go back to writing my…damn! They're at it again! Will you two be quiet! Honestly.

NEWS 

Now That Hair and Beard Complete, Gimli Braids Armpit Hair

See SOCIETY page 5D

First Orc Beauty Contest Held

See ENTERTAINMENT page 3F

Palantir Proven To Be Paperweight

See NATION page 1A


	11. First Day of Bombadil Trial Concludes

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The Mushroom

Middle-earth's Finest News Source Since 1379 Second Age

First Day of Bombadil Trial Concludes

The first day of Tom Bombadil's kidnapping trial is over, and prospects are looking dismal for the yellow-booted, self-styled folklore figure. Though the jury (which is composed of Legolas Greenleaf, Quickbeam the Ent, Beregond of Gondor, Eowyn of the Mark, Shagrat the Orc, Galadriel of Lothlorien, Ringwraith #6, Fredegar Bolger, Celeborn of Lothlorien, Ioreth of Gondor, Angelica Baggins, and Gloin the Dwarf) is sequestered, reporters have noted that they seem particularly unsympathetic to the defendant, who testified today. Here is the transcript.

Goldberry: The defense calls Tom Bombadil to the stand.

Bombadil (singing and walking up to the stand) These boots were made for walking, that's just what – 

Gandalf: Order! Mr. Bombadil! No singing.

Bombadil: Tom will not sing.

Goldberry: No referring to yourself in third person either.

Bombadil: Tom will not – 

Goldberry: Never mind. Did you kidnap Peter Jackson?

Bombadil: Yes, Tom did.

Goldberry: Why?

Bombadil: Tom was angry. First the Harvard Lampoon turns Tom into a drug addict. Then Robin McKinley says that Tom is an "embarrassing creation".

Angelica: Smart woman.

Bombadil: This gave Tom an inferiority complex.

The jury bursts into obnoxiously loud fake crying.

Fredegar: So sad!

Beregond: Tragic!

Shagrat: Garn!

Gandalf: Order in the court! If this jury can't be impartial, I'll have to dismiss it and get one that is.

Gloin: Good luck.

Gandalf: Continue, Mr. Bombadil.

Bombadil: Then, to make things worse, Tom's favorite yellow boot polish is stolen. When Tom sees "The Fellowship of the Ring", in both regular and extended editions, Tom is mad that Tom is not in it. So Tom kidnaps Peter Jackson.

Legolas: I wonder what happened to his boot polish.

Eowyn: My brother used it for hair dye.

Celeborn: Wish I had some. Look at my roots!

Galadriel: Ugh.

Legolas: I usually use Clairol Herbal Essences. Have you ever had an organic experience?

Eowyn: No.

Celeborn and Galadriel: _You've never had one?!_

Gandalf: Will the tall blond androgynous jury members stop talking about follicular stimulation?!

Tall Blond Androgynous Jury Members: Sorry.

Gandalf: No you're not. Goldberry, do you have any further questions?

Goldberry: No.

Gandalf: Mr. Jackson? Any cross-examination?

Peter Jackson: No, I think he just incriminated himself.

Gandalf: Court will recess until tomorrow.

****

NEWS

Name Has Absolutely No Meaning or Evolutionary History

See LOCAL page 2D

White Council Meeting Spent Drinking Beer and Telling Dirty Jokes

See NATION page 4A

Desperate, Mary Sue Flirts With Oliphaunt

See SOCEITY page 9B


	12. Bombadil Trail Dismissed Due to Jury Apa...

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The Mushroom

Middle-earth's Finest News Source Since 1379 Second Age

Bombadil Trial Dismissed Due to Jury Apathy

Most of jury unavailable for comment due to R.E.M.

In what has been termed both a miscarriage of justice and a well-deserved relief, the kidnapping trial of Tom Bombadil was dismissed after the jury submitted a plea to be released from the defendant's soporific and utterly pointless babble. "Honestly, no one cares about some minor character's idiotic psychological complexes," said jury member Angelica Baggins. "It was taking too much time away from my spa facials."

"Now I can go home," said Eowyn of the Mark, another jury member. "I sent Faramir out to buy shampoo."

Jackson, however, is indignant. "He put me through an ordeal of great suffering, and now he just gets to go skipping along home?"

Goldberry, Bombadil's wife, has filed for divorce and obtained a restraining order.

****

What Do You Think?

So, enough about the Lord of the Rings movies. What, in your opinions, are some of the greatest movies of all time?

"Definitely _Harold and Maude_. The joys of love between older women and younger men are greatly underrated."

Aragorn, King of Gondor and Arnor

"I've been a _Rocky Horror Picture Show_ fan since the beginning of the Third Age. In fact, I recently changed my name to fit with my favorite character. What about the debate team? What about the debate coach? What about the podium? They never found the podium!"

Gandalf the Magenta

"We thinks that _Monsters Inc._ was a very nice movie. We used to hide in the little hobbitses' wardrobes and scare them, but then Mistress took away juicy fish and beats us with nasty cruel knitting needle."

Smeagol-Gollum

"I don't really have a favorite movie, but I hated _Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone_. Short, dark-haired, distinctive-eyed orphans who face great challenges and can become invisible at will really annoy me."

Frodo Baggins

"_Father of the Bride_. Enough said."

Elrond Halfelven

"_Some Like It Hot_. Not that drag interests me or anything…"

Legolas Greenleaf

****

NEWS

Road Ends

See NATION page 1A

Shire Authoritative Position Has Purpose, Responsibility

See LOCAL page 4C

Epicurean Troll Cooks Hobbit A La King

See FOOD page 3G


End file.
